my meme...

there are so many words that could be used to describe me as a person...but these are the first ones that came to mind, effortlessly

loyal
loving
open minded
mother
artistic
musical

there we go. may not the most insightful, but this is me. :)

one day at a time

i sit here watching "sex and the city" thinking about my life in comparison to the lives of these women. i mean these are "real" women, and these things that are portrayed on tv are things that actually happened. i watch them and i wonder, is this the way life should be for 20 something women? if so, boy is my life far off par. i have lived a pretty fucking crazy life, but in no way, has it been like any of these women's lives. they're single, living in the big city, fucking many random guys, and here i am, with child, in arms and belly, while trying to figure out how to make it through another day.


then it dawned on me, just take it one day at a time. no more, no less. just be thankful for what i have and remember that while my life is no "sex and the city", it has, thus far, been a pretty amazing life. for who i am, and what i've been thru....the love i have and the life i live.

it breaks my heart...

it's so hard to be separted from the man i love, the father of my children and my best friend.


he came to spend the night with me. his night anyway. :) he works nights, so he came to the house at 6:30am. it was so nice to be in his arms. it seems like what's been forever since we have held each other and loved on one another. it was nice to just have him here today. he slept, cuz it was his "night" time, but i have never been so thankful to have him asleep, just cuz he was in the house. he got up this evening and hung out with R.E. and i. we watched shows and just talked, like we used to.

then came time for him to go to work....R.E. didn't stop crying until he had nearly cried himself to sleep in my arms. i would try to love on him and make it better. he pushed me away with such anger, i can't help but wonder if he's mad at me for making his daddy leave. i mean, i know it was a mutual decision, but all he knows is that i'm here, and daddy isn't. it breaks my heart to feel like i could've tried harder, there was something MORE i could've done....

just another day in the life of yours truly

i wake up today to my boyfriend coming home from work. i had only slept for 4 hours, since i was up crying until 230am. he says "hi" kisses me on the....forehead? to bring you up to speed, we haven't been doing so well lately and have just realized recently that our relationship, if something didn't change, was coming to a bitter end. we have been together for a year and a half and have a 9 month old beautiful baby boy, who i will call "r.e.", and another on the way. neither were planned, and yes, i have heard of birth control. now that being said, i will go on.

he works nights so he comes home in the early mornings. he usually wakes me with a hug and a kiss...on the LIPS, thank you. wtf...i have no idea what this is all about and yesterday he spent all day ignoring me. so, here we go. i flip my fuckin lid. ask him if he wants to be with me. he says "no.". i asked, " do you love me anymore?", at first he said "yes", but then that changed to "no, not anymore" after i bog the fuck outta him. finally, i said "good get out.", and pestered him until he got up and went to sleep in the truck. i go to my dr's appt to see if this pregnancy is a "viable" one, they have no answer, maybe next week the u/s will be clearer.

i get home, he's inside packing. i ask him calmly, "did you mean what you said? do you not wanna be with me anymore?" he said, "no i do love you and wanna be with you, but i think i should move out.". i said " i think that's a very good idea. i can NOT control my temper when it comes to you right now.". he said, "and i wanna work on my communication with you.".

awesome.

i start helping him pack, which is by the way, one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. i am still holding out hope that we will work thru our problems and i really do believe that he does too. we love each other, but we need to sort our shit out before we can move forward....please, let this help us, not hurt us....to whatever powers that be, help....?

what a disappointment...

when i was little, i grew up on disney and romance/drama movies, where the handsome prince ALWAYS loved the beautiful young lady and their love was the most amazing thing that anyone could ever dream to attain. i grew up wanting so badly to fall in love, that i almost ached for it . i thought that when i fell in love, it would be just as special and perfect as what i saw in the movies growing up. man, was i let down when i found out that love, in NO way what-so-ever, is like that love portrayed on the shows and movies that are fed to little girls, even now. love hurts, and tears you down. yes, love can be the most beautiful thing that you ever experience, but that's the good times, which seldom, in most relationships, out weigh the bad. love has let me down, what a disappointment love has been. i thought that if i loved someone enough that they would love me like that too. i was wrong. this "fairytale" love that is on the big screen is just a sham, giving false hope to all the little girls of the world that, there IS a "prince charming" out there for all of us.

disappointment

people in my life that i have had the utmost respect for, have lately, well, let me down. they have come to me with scenarios that they have put together that involve BOTH our lives and taken them to extremes. i've been given ultimatums. it's my way or i hit the highway. i am being very vague here, i know, but i am not sure that i have yet come to terms with what was said to me only a few days ago. i'm not sure i ever will....