The Race to Mars
6 years ago
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
In a flatline state...
I know I have been unavailable for my blog as of late. Life has kept me pretty busy. I am off my Oxycontin, Flexeril and only using my Oxycodone as needed to supplement for my Fibromyalgia pain. I decided to take myself off of everything except supplemental meds to be able to breastfeed Baby. So now, I go through life everyday, in more pain than ever before. Some days are, of course, worse than others. On my good days, I'm like super mom. I cook for everyone, I clean, play with the kids. You know, everything a "good mom" should do with their children. On my bad days, I'm a "horrible mom", I lay around, I cry in front of the kids, I cuss a lot and mostly just try and figure out what's better; life in constant pain everyday, all day; or just dying,and feeling nothing, ever again? I know that my depression is at a very dangerous point today, but I don't want to go back on my medication. Why can't I just be me?? Why can't I be who I REALLY am? Who I was born to be? I know I'm a fucking mess. I know I'm a fuck up and no one in my family wants to be around me. They even tell me that if I don't go back on my meds that I can't stay here anymore. What am I s'posed to do with who/what I am? Medicate it away I guess...that's what everyone keeps telling me that I HAVE to do. The voice in the back of my head says to just run, let the kids be with someone more stable like my family, I can live on the streets, I've done it once, I can do it again. At least then their fuck up of a mother who is fuct in the head won't be here to fuck up their lives anymore than she already has. How could I leave them tho? I look at them and cry after this thought runs through my mind. It comes right back though. I guess it's just a rough night, but fuck man, does it ever get any easier? I'm not sure it does...
Friday, May 7, 2010
It never gets any easier...
Well since my last post, "Loser" has come and gone a few times, always as he pleases never anything consistent. The kids will notice one days how often he isn't where he says he will be. The
"I'm sorry"s and "my phone died" excuses of everyday novelty wears off. I said 'kids', right. I had my little girl "Baby" for all purposes here, was born to us a little under a week ago, he managed yo clear his schedule to be there for her birth, and birth certificate signing, since we never married. He took R.E. for a couple days to help while Baby and I stayed in the hospital. The morning that he dropped R.E. off, he hasn't been back since. No calls, texts, emails, smoke signals...*shrug* or any other form of communication. I thought I found a man that wouldn't be like my father, bailing on his children to better take care of himself, to be selfish and not give your kids shit. I was wrong. Fooled me MULTIPLE times...shame on me. I sit here and I look back on the last year of my life. I realize that I am in the same state I was about year ago, when he decided to leave R.E. and I. Back to feeling so lost and alone, back to feeling unwanted and unnecessary. Except this year, we have Baby, and it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference. He's still not here, still hanging out, getting wasted, drugs, booze...whatever it is this time, then will come with another excuse next time. "I lost my phone", "I couldn't find a charger", "I never got any of your calls", "I never got any of your texts" take your pic. The ridiculousness is 10 miles long. I can never just get the truth. Would hurt a lot less in the long run, but hey, who am I to deserve something "better" from him? Why should his children matter more than the next beer, line, girl or concert to attend that you have in front of you? I guess we never really did matter, I just thought we did...or was it HOPED we did...either way, it didn't happen, never will...
"I'm sorry"s and "my phone died" excuses of everyday novelty wears off. I said 'kids', right. I had my little girl "Baby" for all purposes here, was born to us a little under a week ago, he managed yo clear his schedule to be there for her birth, and birth certificate signing, since we never married. He took R.E. for a couple days to help while Baby and I stayed in the hospital. The morning that he dropped R.E. off, he hasn't been back since. No calls, texts, emails, smoke signals...*shrug* or any other form of communication. I thought I found a man that wouldn't be like my father, bailing on his children to better take care of himself, to be selfish and not give your kids shit. I was wrong. Fooled me MULTIPLE times...shame on me. I sit here and I look back on the last year of my life. I realize that I am in the same state I was about year ago, when he decided to leave R.E. and I. Back to feeling so lost and alone, back to feeling unwanted and unnecessary. Except this year, we have Baby, and it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference. He's still not here, still hanging out, getting wasted, drugs, booze...whatever it is this time, then will come with another excuse next time. "I lost my phone", "I couldn't find a charger", "I never got any of your calls", "I never got any of your texts" take your pic. The ridiculousness is 10 miles long. I can never just get the truth. Would hurt a lot less in the long run, but hey, who am I to deserve something "better" from him? Why should his children matter more than the next beer, line, girl or concert to attend that you have in front of you? I guess we never really did matter, I just thought we did...or was it HOPED we did...either way, it didn't happen, never will...
Friday, April 2, 2010
what the fuck is wrong with me...?
It's just after midnight here, and I'm sitting here, R.E. asleep to my left, Donnie Darko on the t.v. and BAWLING my fucking eyes out. What the FUCK is wrong with me? I mean, I know I've always been a little crazy, but right now, for some odd reason, I have THOUSANDS of random thoughts all racing through my head. None of them make ANY sense, and NONE of them have anything to do with each other OR anything in particular. I just know that what I'm feeling right now is not at all "normal" and it's definitely not something that I experience often, if have experienced at all previously. I feel alone and scared. I have NO control over any of it. I keep feeling like someone's watching me, like something's wrong. I have looked ALL over the house multiple times tonight, to try and put my mind at ease, but to no avail. I'm jumping at every little noise, my eyes are starting to play tricks on me, and I'm really starting to freak out. I guess maybe, it's the first time I have felt TRULY alone in a while. The house is quiet, R.E. is sleeping, and even the cats are sneaking around silently through the house. I dunno, things just don't feel right. I thought that maybe if I put it down in here, that it'd put my mind a little more at ease, and maybe it worked; slightly. So, I guess I'm off to fight or face my fears, too early to say yet. What those fears are? I'm not even sure...
-B
-B
Here we go...
I will attempt to keep this blog up from here on out, as it will be an outlet, probably the ONLY outlet I will have for quite some time.
When I left off, so many things were up in the air. R. and I ended up moving back in together, after I miscarried our baby that was in utero at the time of my last post. We moved back in together, had R.E.'s first birthday, my mom and brother got their own place, within walking distance luckily, as I had to walk over there a few time after a particularly nasty fight. There are a lot of details that I am not going to remember, sadly. I will try my best to catch you up to the present in as painless and time efficient manner as possible.
R. and I lived in our own little place for a 6 month lease. At the end of the lease he had gone to a party with my brother and met a little 19 year old girl. They started talking and texting like mad. I found this out and freaked out. He said it was nothing, I knew better. He always did think I was stupid. I call this little girl one day, she proceeds to tell me that R. has never mentioned a girlfriend OR child for that matter and if he was TRULY mine, he wouldn't have come looking for her. Cunt. I tell her that even if he DOES do anything with her, that as soon as he gets what he wants from her, he will drop her like a bad habit. She begs to differ. I tell her that she will see, and in time I am right. After a particularly LARGE freak out on R. one day over this girl, who HE says he was just trying to get "concert tickets" off of, like I said...he thinks I'm stupid, I call her in front of him, and call him out. After this is all done, he says that she is a liar and is just trying to fuck our relationship up. To which I reply, "why the fuck would someone who doesn't even KNOW me, try and fuck up what I have?" to which he replies, "I don't know. I can't handle your shit anymore." I start to scream and yell at him, all the while he continues to shower like nothing is even wrong. Well, I guess the neighbors decided I sounded like I was going to "hurt" him or something, since they called the cops. I called my mom.
My mom shows up, I'm sitting on the floor, holding R.E. rocking back and forth shaking and crying. I ask for a cigarette, she asks for R.E., tells me that I need to control myself, it's bad for R.E. to see me like this. The cops show up. I'm on the balcony smoking, they take statements from both R. and I. Then with their most EXCELLENT police work, decided that I "detained" R. in the bathroom against his will. My mom is upset and says, "so even though he SHOVED HER, she will be the one going to jail?" to which the cops reply, "yes ma'am, she detained him in the bathroom, against his will". Great fucking police work there. He was SHOWERING you fucking half-wits. All of which would come out later at my court hearing, and the charges would be dropped. R.E. would have not had to have been shuttled back and forth by my MOTHER, I would have never had a RESTRAINING ORDER on me, and all of this could have been avoided, had the fucking cops, LISTENED when I SAID...."he was in the SHOWER". Assholes.
From there, I moved in with my mom, brother and of course R.E. in a town home, that ironically R. and I had rented for US, before all of this went down. Change the name on the lease, and now it's my mom, my brother and I. This is the beginning of May 2009.
My job is complete SHIT, and even though I am running an office, the fucking owner, uses me for his own verbal punching bag on almost a daily basis. Everyone in the office can hear him scream at me and curse at me, for shit that should be dealt with in a professional manner. I let him say what he wants, tear me down, calling me a poor mother, telling me that he has "no fucking sympathy for me" how if I'm "so disabled" from the pain I have, why am I not on disability? One day, in June, I have had my fill of being torn down, told what a piece of shit I am from a fraction of what USED to be a man, that I start talking back. He didn't like this, I didn't give a fuck. He told me that he'd give me "one more chance" to come in on Monday and get my "shit together", or I can just not show up and let someone else have my job, it was my choice. I chose to say fuck you and not show up. I had a new job that same week, at IBM.
This job was cake compared to the bullshit I was used to putting up with. I have started seeing a new Dr. for my pain. A "pain management" Dr. and left the Neurologist I was seeing, who called me a "liar" and whose nurse referred to me as their "wild child" patient, behind. Losers. They flat out told me, that because I knew about the drugs that they COULD give people to help, and because I had done my research to not go in there completely clueless to my situation, I was a "drug seeker". Flat out, they told me I was an addict, just looking for pills. So I did some MORE research and found myself a NEW Dr. One who believed me, one who GAVE me a CHANCE! Thank whatever powers that be for letting me find HER.
Things were going great, R. and I were talking again, trying to "work things out", my job was amazing, I had control over my pain and depression, and here comes my curve ball.
I'm pregnant.
Yep. Well, I didn't see this one coming, but hey, we weren't being especially careful, the pullout method seemed to be working out well, til he stopped pulling out. *shrug* I'm scared, but happy. R's not having any of it. He doesn't want it, says that I should "take care of it", sorry buddy, not happening. This time I'm gonna old on tight and hope that this one sticks. Even if you're not here, I will have our 2 beautiful kids, and every time I look at them, I will KNOW that they are NOT mistakes. I wish you would and could do the same. Maybe someday.
I have to come off of my antidepressants pretty fast, being that they could potentially harm the baby. As I'm coming off of my antis, I start having a whole other type of pain I've never experienced. I go to the Dr. tell her what's going on, she says I have Fibromyalgia. Sends me to a rheumatologist to make sure it's not something more serious like rheumatoid arthritis or lupus or something like that. Nope. Fibromyalgia. What can they do for me while pregnant? Pain meds. Is this safe for the baby? There are no known side effects that the baby should experience. No birth defects, no deformations, the only thing that they are not sure of is how the baby's reactions will be to pain meds in the future. Will she be more tolerant of them, since having them the whole of her intrauterine development. Oh, and in case you caught that, yes, SHE. I am having a little girl this time. One of each. I feel so unbelievably special for getting to experience one of each.
I have been on Oxycontin and Oxycodone, for most of my pregnancy. I am now in the 32nd almost at the beginning of my 33rd week or gestation. I have begun the process of weaning off of the Oxycontin and have been feeling every mg that has been taken away. I have horrible insomnia now and wake up in the middle of the night, when I CAN sleep from pains all over my body and twitching that I start doing sometimes during my slumber. It's not easy and it's NOT fun. If I could have handled the pain that I experience everyday on my OWN, I would have NEVER embarked on this journey of Oxycontin or Oxycodone during my pregnancy. Some days I feel weak for needing the help I have from the pain meds. I feel like if I had just tried HARDER, maybe I could have done it. Then I snap back to reality and give myself a break. I WOULD HAVE done it COULD I HAVE. I have to remind myself of this everyday. As I come off of the medication that has dulled me in almost every way during this pregnancy, everyone in my life suffers. No one knows who i will be from one moment to the next. It's like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde PREGNANT. If you care to imagine the MONSTER that this person is capable of being, if not let me paint you a pretty little picture. On top of being bipolar depressed, there are MULTITUDES of EXTRA hormones running through me, and just as you think that maybe, just maybe I have settled into one state of being, here comes the complete polar opposite. My poor family. My poor anyone. We will get through it tho, we will. And in the end, will be a beautiful brand new baby girl. and I will have my 2 beautiful children and even if R. isn't there to share it with us, we will have each other, and that is all that really matters to me, anymore. I'll post more as it feels like coming out.
ttfn
-B
When I left off, so many things were up in the air. R. and I ended up moving back in together, after I miscarried our baby that was in utero at the time of my last post. We moved back in together, had R.E.'s first birthday, my mom and brother got their own place, within walking distance luckily, as I had to walk over there a few time after a particularly nasty fight. There are a lot of details that I am not going to remember, sadly. I will try my best to catch you up to the present in as painless and time efficient manner as possible.
R. and I lived in our own little place for a 6 month lease. At the end of the lease he had gone to a party with my brother and met a little 19 year old girl. They started talking and texting like mad. I found this out and freaked out. He said it was nothing, I knew better. He always did think I was stupid. I call this little girl one day, she proceeds to tell me that R. has never mentioned a girlfriend OR child for that matter and if he was TRULY mine, he wouldn't have come looking for her. Cunt. I tell her that even if he DOES do anything with her, that as soon as he gets what he wants from her, he will drop her like a bad habit. She begs to differ. I tell her that she will see, and in time I am right. After a particularly LARGE freak out on R. one day over this girl, who HE says he was just trying to get "concert tickets" off of, like I said...he thinks I'm stupid, I call her in front of him, and call him out. After this is all done, he says that she is a liar and is just trying to fuck our relationship up. To which I reply, "why the fuck would someone who doesn't even KNOW me, try and fuck up what I have?" to which he replies, "I don't know. I can't handle your shit anymore." I start to scream and yell at him, all the while he continues to shower like nothing is even wrong. Well, I guess the neighbors decided I sounded like I was going to "hurt" him or something, since they called the cops. I called my mom.
My mom shows up, I'm sitting on the floor, holding R.E. rocking back and forth shaking and crying. I ask for a cigarette, she asks for R.E., tells me that I need to control myself, it's bad for R.E. to see me like this. The cops show up. I'm on the balcony smoking, they take statements from both R. and I. Then with their most EXCELLENT police work, decided that I "detained" R. in the bathroom against his will. My mom is upset and says, "so even though he SHOVED HER, she will be the one going to jail?" to which the cops reply, "yes ma'am, she detained him in the bathroom, against his will". Great fucking police work there. He was SHOWERING you fucking half-wits. All of which would come out later at my court hearing, and the charges would be dropped. R.E. would have not had to have been shuttled back and forth by my MOTHER, I would have never had a RESTRAINING ORDER on me, and all of this could have been avoided, had the fucking cops, LISTENED when I SAID...."he was in the SHOWER". Assholes.
From there, I moved in with my mom, brother and of course R.E. in a town home, that ironically R. and I had rented for US, before all of this went down. Change the name on the lease, and now it's my mom, my brother and I. This is the beginning of May 2009.
My job is complete SHIT, and even though I am running an office, the fucking owner, uses me for his own verbal punching bag on almost a daily basis. Everyone in the office can hear him scream at me and curse at me, for shit that should be dealt with in a professional manner. I let him say what he wants, tear me down, calling me a poor mother, telling me that he has "no fucking sympathy for me" how if I'm "so disabled" from the pain I have, why am I not on disability? One day, in June, I have had my fill of being torn down, told what a piece of shit I am from a fraction of what USED to be a man, that I start talking back. He didn't like this, I didn't give a fuck. He told me that he'd give me "one more chance" to come in on Monday and get my "shit together", or I can just not show up and let someone else have my job, it was my choice. I chose to say fuck you and not show up. I had a new job that same week, at IBM.
This job was cake compared to the bullshit I was used to putting up with. I have started seeing a new Dr. for my pain. A "pain management" Dr. and left the Neurologist I was seeing, who called me a "liar" and whose nurse referred to me as their "wild child" patient, behind. Losers. They flat out told me, that because I knew about the drugs that they COULD give people to help, and because I had done my research to not go in there completely clueless to my situation, I was a "drug seeker". Flat out, they told me I was an addict, just looking for pills. So I did some MORE research and found myself a NEW Dr. One who believed me, one who GAVE me a CHANCE! Thank whatever powers that be for letting me find HER.
Things were going great, R. and I were talking again, trying to "work things out", my job was amazing, I had control over my pain and depression, and here comes my curve ball.
I'm pregnant.
Yep. Well, I didn't see this one coming, but hey, we weren't being especially careful, the pullout method seemed to be working out well, til he stopped pulling out. *shrug* I'm scared, but happy. R's not having any of it. He doesn't want it, says that I should "take care of it", sorry buddy, not happening. This time I'm gonna old on tight and hope that this one sticks. Even if you're not here, I will have our 2 beautiful kids, and every time I look at them, I will KNOW that they are NOT mistakes. I wish you would and could do the same. Maybe someday.
I have to come off of my antidepressants pretty fast, being that they could potentially harm the baby. As I'm coming off of my antis, I start having a whole other type of pain I've never experienced. I go to the Dr. tell her what's going on, she says I have Fibromyalgia. Sends me to a rheumatologist to make sure it's not something more serious like rheumatoid arthritis or lupus or something like that. Nope. Fibromyalgia. What can they do for me while pregnant? Pain meds. Is this safe for the baby? There are no known side effects that the baby should experience. No birth defects, no deformations, the only thing that they are not sure of is how the baby's reactions will be to pain meds in the future. Will she be more tolerant of them, since having them the whole of her intrauterine development. Oh, and in case you caught that, yes, SHE. I am having a little girl this time. One of each. I feel so unbelievably special for getting to experience one of each.
I have been on Oxycontin and Oxycodone, for most of my pregnancy. I am now in the 32nd almost at the beginning of my 33rd week or gestation. I have begun the process of weaning off of the Oxycontin and have been feeling every mg that has been taken away. I have horrible insomnia now and wake up in the middle of the night, when I CAN sleep from pains all over my body and twitching that I start doing sometimes during my slumber. It's not easy and it's NOT fun. If I could have handled the pain that I experience everyday on my OWN, I would have NEVER embarked on this journey of Oxycontin or Oxycodone during my pregnancy. Some days I feel weak for needing the help I have from the pain meds. I feel like if I had just tried HARDER, maybe I could have done it. Then I snap back to reality and give myself a break. I WOULD HAVE done it COULD I HAVE. I have to remind myself of this everyday. As I come off of the medication that has dulled me in almost every way during this pregnancy, everyone in my life suffers. No one knows who i will be from one moment to the next. It's like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde PREGNANT. If you care to imagine the MONSTER that this person is capable of being, if not let me paint you a pretty little picture. On top of being bipolar depressed, there are MULTITUDES of EXTRA hormones running through me, and just as you think that maybe, just maybe I have settled into one state of being, here comes the complete polar opposite. My poor family. My poor anyone. We will get through it tho, we will. And in the end, will be a beautiful brand new baby girl. and I will have my 2 beautiful children and even if R. isn't there to share it with us, we will have each other, and that is all that really matters to me, anymore. I'll post more as it feels like coming out.
ttfn
-B
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
my meme...
there are so many words that could be used to describe me as a person...but these are the first ones that came to mind, effortlessly
loyal
loving
open minded
mother
artistic
musical
there we go. may not the most insightful, but this is me. :)
loyal
loving
open minded
mother
artistic
musical
there we go. may not the most insightful, but this is me. :)
one day at a time
i sit here watching "sex and the city" thinking about my life in comparison to the lives of these women. i mean these are "real" women, and these things that are portrayed on tv are things that actually happened. i watch them and i wonder, is this the way life should be for 20 something women? if so, boy is my life far off par. i have lived a pretty fucking crazy life, but in no way, has it been like any of these women's lives. they're single, living in the big city, fucking many random guys, and here i am, with child, in arms and belly, while trying to figure out how to make it through another day.
then it dawned on me, just take it one day at a time. no more, no less. just be thankful for what i have and remember that while my life is no "sex and the city", it has, thus far, been a pretty amazing life. for who i am, and what i've been thru....the love i have and the life i live.
then it dawned on me, just take it one day at a time. no more, no less. just be thankful for what i have and remember that while my life is no "sex and the city", it has, thus far, been a pretty amazing life. for who i am, and what i've been thru....the love i have and the life i live.
Monday, August 25, 2008
it breaks my heart...
it's so hard to be separted from the man i love, the father of my children and my best friend.
he came to spend the night with me. his night anyway. :) he works nights, so he came to the house at 6:30am. it was so nice to be in his arms. it seems like what's been forever since we have held each other and loved on one another. it was nice to just have him here today. he slept, cuz it was his "night" time, but i have never been so thankful to have him asleep, just cuz he was in the house. he got up this evening and hung out with R.E. and i. we watched shows and just talked, like we used to.
then came time for him to go to work....R.E. didn't stop crying until he had nearly cried himself to sleep in my arms. i would try to love on him and make it better. he pushed me away with such anger, i can't help but wonder if he's mad at me for making his daddy leave. i mean, i know it was a mutual decision, but all he knows is that i'm here, and daddy isn't. it breaks my heart to feel like i could've tried harder, there was something MORE i could've done....
he came to spend the night with me. his night anyway. :) he works nights, so he came to the house at 6:30am. it was so nice to be in his arms. it seems like what's been forever since we have held each other and loved on one another. it was nice to just have him here today. he slept, cuz it was his "night" time, but i have never been so thankful to have him asleep, just cuz he was in the house. he got up this evening and hung out with R.E. and i. we watched shows and just talked, like we used to.
then came time for him to go to work....R.E. didn't stop crying until he had nearly cried himself to sleep in my arms. i would try to love on him and make it better. he pushed me away with such anger, i can't help but wonder if he's mad at me for making his daddy leave. i mean, i know it was a mutual decision, but all he knows is that i'm here, and daddy isn't. it breaks my heart to feel like i could've tried harder, there was something MORE i could've done....
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