In a flatline state...

I know I have been unavailable for my blog as of late. Life has kept me pretty busy. I am off my Oxycontin, Flexeril and only using my Oxycodone as needed to supplement for my Fibromyalgia pain. I decided to take myself off of everything except supplemental meds to be able to breastfeed Baby. So now, I go through life everyday, in more pain than ever before. Some days are, of course, worse than others. On my good days, I'm like super mom. I cook for everyone, I clean, play with the kids. You know, everything a "good mom" should do with their children. On my bad days, I'm a "horrible mom", I lay around, I cry in front of the kids, I cuss a lot and mostly just try and figure out what's better; life in constant pain everyday, all day; or just dying,and feeling nothing, ever again? I know that my depression is at a very dangerous point today, but I don't want to go back on my medication. Why can't I just be me?? Why can't I be who I REALLY am? Who I was born to be? I know I'm a fucking mess. I know I'm a fuck up and no one in my family wants to be around me. They even tell me that if I don't go back on my meds that I can't stay here anymore. What am I s'posed to do with who/what I am? Medicate it away I guess...that's what everyone keeps telling me that I HAVE to do. The voice in the back of my head says to just run, let the kids be with someone more stable like my family, I can live on the streets, I've done it once, I can do it again. At least then their fuck up of a mother who is fuct in the head won't be here to fuck up their lives anymore than she already has. How could I leave them tho? I look at them and cry after this thought runs through my mind. It comes right back though. I guess it's just a rough night, but fuck man, does it ever get any easier? I'm not sure it does...

It never gets any easier...

Well since my last post, "Loser" has come and gone a few times, always as he pleases never anything consistent. The kids will notice one days how often he isn't where he says he will be. The
"I'm sorry"s and "my phone died" excuses of everyday novelty wears off. I said 'kids', right. I had my little girl "Baby" for all purposes here, was born to us a little under a week ago, he managed yo clear his schedule to be there for her birth, and birth certificate signing, since we never married. He took R.E. for a couple days to help while Baby and I stayed in the hospital. The morning that he dropped R.E. off, he hasn't been back since. No calls, texts, emails, smoke signals...*shrug* or any other form of communication. I thought I found a man that wouldn't be like my father, bailing on his children to better take care of himself, to be selfish and not give your kids shit. I was wrong. Fooled me MULTIPLE times...shame on me. I sit here and I look back on the last year of my life. I realize that I am in the same state I was about year ago, when he decided to leave R.E. and I. Back to feeling so lost and alone, back to feeling unwanted and unnecessary. Except this year, we have Baby, and it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference. He's still not here, still hanging out, getting wasted, drugs, booze...whatever it is this time, then will come with another excuse next time. "I lost my phone", "I couldn't find a charger", "I never got any of your calls", "I never got any of your texts" take your pic. The ridiculousness is 10 miles long. I can never just get the truth. Would hurt a lot less in the long run, but hey, who am I to deserve something "better" from him? Why should his children matter more than the next beer, line, girl or concert to attend that you have in front of you? I guess we never really did matter, I just thought we did...or was it HOPED we did...either way, it didn't happen, never will...