In a flatline state...

I know I have been unavailable for my blog as of late. Life has kept me pretty busy. I am off my Oxycontin, Flexeril and only using my Oxycodone as needed to supplement for my Fibromyalgia pain. I decided to take myself off of everything except supplemental meds to be able to breastfeed Baby. So now, I go through life everyday, in more pain than ever before. Some days are, of course, worse than others. On my good days, I'm like super mom. I cook for everyone, I clean, play with the kids. You know, everything a "good mom" should do with their children. On my bad days, I'm a "horrible mom", I lay around, I cry in front of the kids, I cuss a lot and mostly just try and figure out what's better; life in constant pain everyday, all day; or just dying,and feeling nothing, ever again? I know that my depression is at a very dangerous point today, but I don't want to go back on my medication. Why can't I just be me?? Why can't I be who I REALLY am? Who I was born to be? I know I'm a fucking mess. I know I'm a fuck up and no one in my family wants to be around me. They even tell me that if I don't go back on my meds that I can't stay here anymore. What am I s'posed to do with who/what I am? Medicate it away I guess...that's what everyone keeps telling me that I HAVE to do. The voice in the back of my head says to just run, let the kids be with someone more stable like my family, I can live on the streets, I've done it once, I can do it again. At least then their fuck up of a mother who is fuct in the head won't be here to fuck up their lives anymore than she already has. How could I leave them tho? I look at them and cry after this thought runs through my mind. It comes right back though. I guess it's just a rough night, but fuck man, does it ever get any easier? I'm not sure it does...